“Come on just a little more, we’re almost there!” R Man yelled to Rack-shit who was trudging behind.
Rack-shit bent down, shaking uncontrollably, trying desperately to catch his breath. “Why do we have to climb this hill, bloody steep, shaped ridiculously like a dick!”
R Man gazed pensively at the top of the hill and beyond, “On the other side of this hill lies the holy beach of virgin cows, untouched by perverse hands, pure and un-raped. Among these mythical beings dwells the mystical cow hermit. I need his training, I need to know how to become...UN-RAPE-ABLE! Also I need a cow to ride on”
Rack-shit took a deep breath, “WHAT A LOAD OF BULL...no no...COWSHIT! I am not climbing this hill just to see some lame beach stinking with cow shit, besides I need to take a colossal shit!”
With that he turned around and started to make his way back down. R Man had lost his loyal side-kick but his unfathomably dumb spirit could not be broken. With new resolve and a fresh erection he continued his journey to the beach.
With a grunt he finally lifted himself up to the top of the hill. Wasting only a fraction of a second to catch his breath, he carefully looked down the other side, and true to the legend there it was. The beach of the cows!
The beautiful beach greeted him like a prostitute greets a pussy-starved loser! And sure enough all over the beach, what at first seemed like white specks, were cows and not just any cows, the most majestic creatures he had ever seen.
Before the whole scene could even register, he heard a challenge from behind him. “YOU SHALL NOT PASS”
As he tried to whirl around, he was hit by something hard smack in the middle of the forehead. The world started to spin and collapse around him and as he slipped into the darkness.
He came to with a start. As soon as he opened his eyes he was forced to clamp them shut due to the blinding light.
“Do not try to rise stranger,” an ominous voice warned him.
“Where am I?”
“You are at the holy beach of the virgin cows”
When his eyes finally adjusted to the sun he looked to see that he was laying spread eagle on the beach, stark naked. Suddenly a massive shadow blocked out the sun. He looked up to see an old hermit sitting on top of a massive milky white cow.
“I am the hermit of this beach and it is I who protects these divine beasts from the rapists. You have dared to enter the holy beach, only those deemed worthy by me to be in the presence of these virgin beasts may enter this abode,” the hermit declared, “You have one chance, say something that would prove you worthy or this great cow shall trample upon you.”
“Uhhh...I have sand in my butt-crack”
The hermit leaned down from the cow, this long beard ticking R Man’s balls. He stared sternly at R Man and said, “Those are indeed profound words of wisdom; you are a man who lives in the present, completely aware and enlightened. Either that or you are insanely dumb!”
“My head hurts, what did you hit me with?” The hermit stuck his hand in his cloak and produced a black, menacingly long and thick...horn.
“This is the holy horn of the extremely holy cow, you have been branded and now you have a cow’s vagina shaped bump on your forehead”
“Cow horn? But cows don’t have horns!”
The hermit opened his eyes wide, “Interesting, you are a clever one. The force of the cow is strong with you. I deem you worthy of this beach. Now rise up and remove the sand from your butt so your training can begin!”
R Man sprang to his feet, excitement flickering in his eyes. “Yes...MASTER”
